Severus Snape and the Chocolate Factory
by SNAPE IS SNAPE
Summary: Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregarde, Veruca Salt, Mike Teavee and Severus Snape are the lucky finders of Wonka's golden tickets. What will the potion's master think of the eccentric Willy Wonka?
1. A Shock For Severus

Severus Snape thought that he would vomit if he was too see yet another advertisement for Wonka bars. He had been on vacation for several weeks now and the Muggles had no interest in anything but that silly little contest.

Five tickets were being released. If you were received a ticket, you would be allowed to see that silly little factory. Severus doubted that the factory was really that interesting at all. Still, the rumors of Wonka's supposed genius intrigued Severus slightly. Not even magic could create the products that Wonka was rumored to have created. Though it could be pure myth also.

As he took a lonely stroll down the filthy streets, a large newspaper headline caught Severus eye.

**Fifth Golden Ticket Found!**

_About time that hype is over,_ Severus thought. He had learned of the winners of the four tickets: an overweight German boy with savage gluttony, a athletics fanatic girl who was subservient to her mother's will, the bratty girl who made Severus ashamed to be British, and that boy with mental problems who obsessed over Muggle technology. Curious, Severus picked up article to see what the latest abomination would be. Apparently, this man was merely a respectable businessman from South America. _Good_, Severus thought, at least one respectable person would be on the tour.

Severus eyed a small candy shop he vaguely remembered, Wonka bars in the display window. Severus had not actually eaten a Wonka bar in a decade, but he recalled enjoying them. Severus impulsively walked into the shop.

Most stared at him in unease, like always, yet the man at the front counter seemed happy to see him.

"Hello, sir, welcome to Cheery Street Candy Store," the man's eyes rose in realization,"Little Severus Snape? Is that you?"

"You remember me?" Severus asked in shock.

"Why, yes, I recall you coming here when you were a young child," The man recalled in nostalgia, "you and Lily Evans were always one of my favorite costumers. She's married now."

Severus did not wish to inform the man Lily was dead.

"I hear you teach at a boarding school in Scotland now?"

Severus nodded. "It's called Hogwarts."

"Never heard of it. Is it a restrictive school?"

_Oh, you have no idea how restrictive._ "Yes, it's an élite school. I'm afraid most of the students are rather unpleasant, but I teach for the sake of the minority who are actually decent and intellectual."

The man nodded in understanding. "What brings you here on this fine day?"

Severus disagreed with his assessment that it was a fine day. "The nonsense of this finished contest has left me craving for a Wonka bar."

"Why certainly," The man gave Snape a Wonka bar, "here you are then, Severus. I hope you'll come back again."

"When I have the time I shall," Severus promised. He had always liked the old man, he was one of the few business owners who had treated him with respect during his childhood. "You certainly have the best candy store in thirty miles."

That certainly made the man happy to hear. He gave Severus a warm handshake and wished him well. Severus exited the shop and saw Dumbledore.

"Hello, Severus. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Likewise. May I ask what you are doing?"

"Obviously you have done so, to an extent," Dumbledore noted, "I came for you. I see you have bought a Wonka bar."

"That infernal contest piqued my curiosity," Severus explained, "but it's over now."

Dumbledore frowned. "Didn't you hear? The man in Paraguay made up the last ticket. It was a fake."

"Indeed?" Severus asked in surprise, "well, it's of no real importance."

"Aren't you going to open it?" Dumbledore asked eagerly, "you might find a ticket."

Severus shook his head and put the candy in his pocket, casting a spell to prevent the chocolate from melting. "You obviously have something important to tell me. What is it?"

"The Order is having a meeting right now. I thought I would come and get you."

Severus eyes raised in suspicion. Dumbledore had never personally escorted him to an Order meeting before.

They reached Grimmuald Place and walked into the meeting. Nobody seemed happy that Severus was there.

"Severus, before you share your report, I have a question to ask you," Dumbledore said, "do you believe that Harry Potter should be initiation as a member of the Order of the Phoniex?"

All eyes were now on Severus, who was in deep thought. "I believe that eventually, it will be a necessity that Potter join the Order. He might as well be inducted now, so he may be prepared."

"See?" Sirius said to Molly Weasley, motioning towards Severus, "even_ he_ thinks it's a good idea."

"But he's only a boy!" Molly Weasley said.

"As he was when the Dark Lord attacked him and killed his parents all those years ago," Severus countered, "you do not seem to realize that Potter is, whether we like it or not, irreversibly in danger. Refusing to allow him in the Order could potentially decrease his chance of survival."

Molly's face was full of rage, and she still adamantly opposed this, but she knew Severus had intellectually beaten her, so remained quiet.

"Very well, we shall take your view into account," Dumbledore said, "what does the Dark Lord plan, Severus?"

"He has become aware of the connection with Potter's mind," Severus reported grimly, "and is planning on using Potter to get the prophecy?"

"Why do you mean?" Tonks asked.

"The Department of Mysteries has a collection of crystal orbs that foretell the future, but can only be accessed by those who the prophecy is made about. I do not believe Voldemort currently has the power to totally take over his mind, but he will eventually. Potentially, he could merely force Potter to kill himself."

"We will have to teach the child Occulmency." Dumbledore said.

"That is all I have to report." Severus said, quickly exiting the room and apparating back to his house.

Severus hated going to Order meetings. Everybody there except Dumbledore hated him, and made no secret of it. They were totally ungrateful for his efforts to bring down Voldemort, Black in particular.

Severus was astonished to hear a knock on his door. Nonetheless, he answered it.

"Dumbledore?" Severus asked in shock, "was my report inadequate?"

"No. I was just reading and I recalled the Wonka bar."

"Is that why your here?" Snape asked in shock, "the whole contest is trivial nonsense, Dumbledore. Besides, I probably don't have a ticket."

"You haven't opened it?" Dumbledore said, "why not just open it now?"

"Very well." Severus muttered in irritation, ripping open the wrapper. Dumbledore gasped in glee while Severus looked in astonishment.

He was the finder of the fifth golden ticket.


	2. Considering Options

"This cannot be." Severus said. Yet, there was no question that this was a golden ticket as he read it.

"Congraulations, Severus," Dumbledore cheered, "you found a golden ticket!"

"This is dreadful," Severus cried, "I'll never be left alone in the muggle world again!"

Dumbledore shook his head. "You exaggerate, Severus."

"Dumbledore, this contest is going to be infamous!" Severus argued, "it has already made the man billions. He has not appeared in public in over a decade. Do you honestly believe the rodents called reporters will leave me in peace?"

Severus turned at the living room window. "I must get rid of this ticket."

"Severus, if you had found the ticket back when you were ten years old, would you have taken it?"

Severus paused a moment. "Yes," he reluctantly admitted, "but that is not the point."

"No, that is exactly the point," Dumbledore argued, "you lifestyle is not healthy, Severus."

"I'm trying to defeat a Dark Lord, Dumbledore!" Severus barked, "forgive me if that does not leave me time for tea."

"Severus, your drowning yourself in misery," Dumbledore said, "you need to at least do one enjoyable thing."

"Even if I did agree with that assessment, have you heard the rumors about the man?" Severus asked, "some say he passes insanity!"

"There is only one way to find out." Dumbledore observed.

Severus gave a sigh. "Have you considered how this will affect my ability to spy on Voldemort? Severus Snape, a supposed advocate of blood purity, attending a muggle ceremony?"

"Wizarding knowledge of the muggle world is negligible," Dumbledore responded, "you almost certainly won't be known to be attending except outside a few muggle-born students. Even if you are, you can merely insight me as the reason for your actions."

"And then there is the biggest issue," Severus continued, "It says I am to take a relative, and I have absolutely no relatives left on this world."

"The pure-blood families are all interrelated, Severus," Dumbledore said, "I myself am your eight cousin thrice removed, whereas Minerva is much closer as a third cousin."

"You want to go to the factory, don't you?" Severus asked.

"Yes, Severus, I will not lie. I very much would like to see the factory. But you may choose whoever you like."

"We haven't established I'm going to that silly factory!"

"Indeed, we haven't. That is up to you," Dumbledore answered gently, "If you do not wish to go, then give the ticket to another."

Dumbledore left. Severus looked around his dreary home. He hated living at Spinner's End, and hated teaching at Hogwarts. If it weren't for the Order, he would have moved out years before. Prehaps he should go to the factory, if only to get out of his irate life for a day.

_Let's hope that rumors about Wonka's sanity are grossly exaggerated._

* * *

_Severus Snape refused to allow the reporters see his house, instead meeting them outside a nearby library. He would take a few question then leave quickly._

_"I am Severus Snape. I am the finder of the last golden ticket, and thus I shall be attending the tour. There is nothing else of importance to say, though I will humor you by taking a few questions."_

_"How did it taste?" A gentlemen who Severus recognized as the local weatherman asked._

_"Why, like a Wonka bar, of course," Severus said dryly, "surely you know how they taste?"_

_The man blushed intensely at his answer. "Yes, I have eaten a Wonka bar."_

_"Well, then, you know the answer to your question. Is their anything else you wish to ask?"_

_"What were you like as a child?" a woman asked._

_Severus froze and grimaced at the question. He never liked to think about his childhood. "I had a rather uneventful childhood." Ridiculous interfering reporters._

_"Will you win the special prize?" another reporter asked._

_Severus took a great deal of energy not to scoff. "Ah, yes, the so-called 'special prize' that is promised. A most ingenious marketing technique."_

_"You don't believe there is one?" somebody said in outrage._

_"I'm merely suggesting thinks aren't always as they appear. Prehaps there is an additional prize at the end, but it's of no relevance. I am already one of only five that will attend this event. One more question and I must leave."_

_"Who will be taking to the factory?"_

_Severus was in d__eep thought for a moment. "Albus Dumbledore, a distant cousin of mine. That is all, thank you."_

_Severus ignored the other reporters as he calmly exited the building, apparating once he was far enough so that they couldn't see him, causing the press mob to wonder how he could disappear so quickly._

* * *

_"_I will be gone for a few days," Severus told the classroom, "while I am gone, you are assigned to do a ten page essay on the danger of Pollyjuice Potion."

"But Professor Snape," Hermione Granger said, "that's really advanced learning."

The girl must not have realized Severus knew about her usage of the potion in second year. "I never would have expected you of all people, Miss Granger, to suggest I dumb down my class content."

"I'm not," Hermione said, "I was just noting many in the class might not be able to complete such work."

"Your implied disrespect for your classmates intellect aside, it is not as advanced as you claim. Be grateful I have decided not to take points for your interruption's. Class dismissed."

Severus heard some students whispering complaints about their homework assignment. _Imagine having to actually do work in school,_ Severus snarled to himself. He would be glad to spend a day away from these Hogwarts brats, but he was still uneasy about the factory. All the other contestants appeared to be disgraces so far. But Wonka was what really made Severus uneasy.

"Severus?" Dumbledore asked, an excited look on his face, "I have arranged a taxi to take us to the factory, so that we look like muggles."

"I suppose that is a reasonable action. Well, good night, Dumbledore."

"Good night, Severus." The Headmaster exited the classroom.

Severus took a sleep potion and napped on his desk until it was time to go. Upon being awoken, Severus ate breakfast then showered, and got dresssed quickly into muggle clothing.

"Ready to go, Severus?"

Severus looked at Dumbledore. The man not only hadn't even bothered to try and dress like a muggle, he was wearing a green wizarding robe. The muggles would think he was insane.

"Dumbledore, you can't look like that! It threatens the Statue of Secrecy!"

Dumbledore frowned. "But this is the most inconspicuous robe I have."

Severus shook his head. The muggles would be shocked by Dumbledore. Then again, Wonka would probably be more shocking. They apparated to a taxi.

"Are you Severus Snape, the ticket finder?" the man asked.

"Yes, I am Severus Snape," Severus answered. Why was the man gawking at him? "As you may have guessed, we need to be at Wonka's."

"Of course." The man said excitedly, hoping that he might wind up in the media for driving a Wonka contestant. The cab started up and after a few minutes parked outside a huge crowd. Severus considered ordering the man to drive away from the factory, but Dumbledore had opened the door to get out.

The man wished Severus good luck and Severus paid for the service, then he reluctantly walked past the crowd to the gate. Severus despised the way everybody was staring at him on his way to the gate. Upon finally reaching the gate, their lives to change forever.


	3. A Magnificent Show

"Please enter," a voice over a loudspeaker demanded. Severus nervously and Dumbledore cheerfully followed the others into the factory, "Come forward!"

"Close the gates." The voice demanded and Severus heard the gates shut behind him, while they stood in front of the colossal chocolate empire. Severus stood near the end of the line to the left of the Salt's, while Dumbledore stood to the right of that glutton. Having not brought a coat, Severus was very cold.

"Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble factory," the loudspeaker voice called, "Who am I? Well,"

The doors to the factory split opening, revealing a large red curtain that said "WW." The curtain then opened, revealing a series of demented-looking puppets that began dancing and singing around a throne that was emblazoned with the letter "W."

**_Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier! _**

**_Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, everybody give a cheer_**

It was prehaps the most embarrassing moment of Severus life, and he was constantly embarrassing himself or being embarrassed.

**_He's modest, clever, and so smart, he barely can restrain it._**

If this was true, Severus wondered, why was he writing songs about how brilliant he presumed he was?

**_There's so much generosity, there is no way to contain it, to contain it, to contain, to contain, to contaaaiiin!_**

Severus glanced to study the other contestant's reactions. Everybody seemed to hate the song as much as he did, except that foolish German woman, who visibly loved the song, and Dumbledore, who was dancing a merry jig to it.

**_Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's the one that you're about to meet. _**

**_Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's a genius who just can't be beat!_**

Clearly, Wonka was an extreme narcissist. Severus had a sinking feeling the tour would be unpleasant.

**_The magician and the chocolate whiz, he's the best darn guy who ever lived, Willy Wonka, here he is!_**

Severus was pretty shocked to see sparks emerge from nowhere, but even more shocked when they literally burned the puppets. Severus frowned. He loathed the puppets, but it seemed a shame to burn them after all the effort somebody took to make them. Eventually, whatever device was playing the song totally burned away, and Severus heard loud clapping combined with odd giggles at his right. Severus turned and saw a man standing to the Salt's right.

The man was wearing the exact same coat as Mr. Salt, but unlike Salt, had purple gloves, a top hat, and an eccentric hairstyle.

"Wasn't that just magnificent?" the man asked, "I was worried it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but then that finale…wow!" The man then walked in front of the contestants.

"Who are you?" Asked that blonde girl. What was her name? Violet? That's right, Severus recalled, Augustus, Violet, Veruca, and Mike were their names.

The man just stood there in extreme awkwardness.

The greatest wizard of the century had figured out the identity of the man before anybody else. "He's Willy Wonka!"

"Really?" Severus asked in shock. This certainly wasn't how he had imagined the man.

The man didn't have the courtesy to confirm or deny this. He merely gave an awkward smile, until giving a ludicrous answer.

"Good morning, Starshine! The earth says 'hello.'"

Severus was starting to fear for his sanity.

Severus and Dumbledore glanced at each other. Apparently, the headmaster was as unsure what to make of this as Severus was.

The man seemed to be waiting for a response. When none came, he pulled out of this pocket a series of small cards.

"Dear guests. Greetings! Welcome to the factory. I shake you warmly by the hand," The man extended his hand briefly, then frowned upon realizing that he was not supposed to have read that part, "My name is Willy Wonka."

"Then shouldn't you be up there?" asked Veruca, pointing to the throne, which somehow survived amid the decay.

"Well, I couldn't very well watch the show from up there, now could I little girl?" Wonka asked.

_Why on earth would you want to watch that?_

"Let's get a move on kids." Wonka said as he began walking into the room where the puppets had been massacred.

Severus half-wanted to turn around, but he nonetheless followed the others into the room.

"Don't you want to know our names?" Augustus asked.

"Can't imagine how it would matter," Wonka said, "Come quickly, far too much to see."

They walked on a red carpet in a bizarre and monotonous white corridor that seemingly had no real purpose. And it was burning. The heat was unbearable. Severus had gone from freezing to burning in less than a minute.

"Just drop your coats anywhere." Wonka suggested.

"Mr. Wonka?" Mr. Teavee called. The man reminded Severus of a character in the film _Twelve Angry Men_. "It sure is toasty in here."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I have to keep it warm in here cuz my workers are used to an extremely hot climate. They just can't stand the cold."

"Who _are_ the workers?" Severus couldn't help but ask.

Wonka avoided the question. "All in good time. Now..."

Severus was irritated. He asked questions only he wanted answers, and Wonka seemed to be refusing to give any.

That gum girl named Violet walked up to Wonka and gave him a sycophantic hug.

"Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde."

"Oh," Wonka said, "I don't care."

Violet wouldn't give up that easily. "Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl that's gonna win the special prize at the end."

Apparently convinced she would get a better reception, Veruca walked in front of the self-appointed chocolate wizard, giving a Victorian curtsey. "I'm Veruca Salt, it's very nice to meet you sir."

"I always thought that a veruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot," Wonka said, then adding in a odd voice "Ha!"

Dumbledore frowned at the rude comment.

Augustus became the third to approach Wonka. "I'm Augustus Gloop," The glutton said while stuffing his face, "I love your chocolate."

"I can see that. So do I," Wonka deadpanned, "I never expected to have so much in common."

The man seemed to be waiting for either Mike or Severus to walk in front of him, but Severus wasn't going to walk up after that display, and apparently neither was the technology fanatic. Wonka then turned around. "And you. Your Mike Teavee. Your the little devil who cracked the system." Wonka's eyes were full of hatred, and Mike didn't look like he felt any love for the candy-maker either.

Wonka's expression turned from anger to moderate disgust as he looked at Severus. "And you. Well, you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?"

Severus was taken aback. He had only spoken four words to Wonka, yet the man already seemed to disapprove of him.

Wonka's face brightened as he looked away from Severus. "And the rest of you must be their..." Wonka akwardly began opening and closing his mouth several times._ Just say the word,_ Severus thought.

"Parents?" Mr. Salt answered after a ridiculous length of time.

"Yeah. Moms and Dads," Wonka then had a peculiar expression on his face, as though he was suffering some traumatic dementia, "Dad? Papa?"

After yet another needlessly awkward moment, Wonka gave yet another of his trademark anxious laughs as he seemed to return to reality. "Okay, then. Let's move on."

Severus vaguely heard Veruca and Violet promising to be best friends, and Mike and his father having some exchange, when Violet's mother walked up to Severus. "Hello." She said, showing her perfectly white teeth, and extending her hand to reach Severus.

"How do you do?" Severus said politely, shaking her hand, "I am Severus Snape."

"I'm Scarlett Beauregarde," The woman responded, "You're a very lucky man, Severus. And this is your father?"

"I am his distant cousin," The old wizard explained, "My name is Albus Dumbledore."

"Charmed," Scarlett said, returning her gaze to Severus, "I hope we have a lot of fun today, Severus."

"Let us hope so." Severus said. The woman giggled nervously, to Severus astonishment. Apparently, Severus Snape had at least one admirer on this earth.


	4. A Room Like No Other

Wonka stood in front of a door that was small. Miniscule, actually. Not even an infant could fit through that door.

"And important room this is," Wonka stated, "it is a chocolate factory, after all."

Severus wondered if Wonka intended to actually tell them what was in the room.

"Then why is the door so small?" Mike Teavee inquired.

Wonka's answer was as unrealistic and nonsensical as Severus should have expected by now. "To keep all the great big chocolaty flavor inside."

Wonka pulled out a key and kneeled down to the lock, then pushed open the walls, which apparently were actually the door. Behind the doors was the most fascinating, yet disturbing, scenery Severus had ever seen. It was a forest. It was a_ candy_ forest. Trees and pumpkins and all kinds of wildlife, though it all looked like candy. Yet, at the same time, there was something dark about the place. Besides that the room was dimly lit, it looked like something one would expect from a Dali painting. Everything looked like it was about to implode.

"Now, children, don't lose you heads," Wonka warned, "don't get over excited. Just keep very calm"

Severus followed Wonka to what seemed to be a waterfall made of chocolate. How was that possible? Nonetheless, Severus couldn't help but say "It's beautiful."

"What? Oh, yeah," Wonka said, facing Severus, "it's very beautiful."

Wonka navigated the way through the odd room with his cane, which Severus suspected he did not actually need. "Every drop of this river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality. The waterfall is most important; mixes the chocolate, churns it up. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes it's chocolate by waterfall, my dear children. And you can take that to the bank."

Wonka was turned away from his audiance again, leaving Severus with room to speak with Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore, look at this," Severus whispered, "we both know that this is no typical Muggle work. Do you think Wonka knows magic?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "I can tell if people have the ability to create magical auras, Severus, and the man has none. I have no idea what he has done to achieve this, but it has been through some form of non-magical means."

"But there are no Muggle means to do this!" Severus said, "many of these things are even more advanced than magic!"

"Well, whatever method he is using, the room is beautiful."

"People!" Wonka called, pointing at several large glass tubes "those pipes suck up the chocolate and carry it away all over the factory."

One of the giant tubes suddenly extended downward and began collecting chocolate from the river.

"And do you like my meadow?" Wonka continued, "please try some of my grass. It's so delectable and darn good-looking."

"You can_ eat_ the grass?" Severus questioned.

"Of course you can," Wonka replied, "everything in this room is eatable. Even _I'm_ eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

An accurate statement, but a greatly disturbing one.

"Enjoy." Wonka said. Everything began running off, except for Severus and Mr. Salt, who were both too shocked by Wonka to do anything. Wonka and Mr. Salt were staring at each other. It was harder to say who exactly disapproved of each other more, until Wonka's eyes turned into a demented expression of loathing. Mr. Salt began looking at Wonka as if he were a strange creature. Mr. Salt eventually decided to walk away. Wonka looked triumphant, then turned toward Severus, who was still just akwardly standing there.

"By all means enjoy yourself, Severus Snape," Wonka said, "I intend to take good care of my guests. Here, try some grass."

The man pulled a few bits of grass from the floor. Severus looked at it with hesitation.

"As I said earlier, everything in this room is eatable." Wonka reminded him gently, though his voice still sounded partially insane.

Feeling greatly foolish, Severus opened his mouth and bit into a tiny piece of grass. "It's mint flavored." Severus said in astonishment.

Wonka nodded. "See? And that's only the first thing you've had. Please try some more, I think you'll like what you'll see."

"Thank you." Severus said. Wonka gave a small nod of approval before he walked away. Severus began looking around for Dumbledore, when he saw the Mike Teavee boy smashing pumpkin's with his foot like a baboon.

"Son." Mr. Teavee said in embarrassment.

"Dad, he said enjoy." Mike noted, then smashing another pumpkin. Mr. Teavee then looked at Severus in dismay. Severus gave the man a wordless scolding for his pathetic inaction that made Mr. Teavee wince. Severus walked through an odd series of trees, where he bumped into Scarlett Beauregarde.

"Severus," she said in excitement, showing off her teeth, now covered in some sort of red gummy candy, "you should try this."

Severus reached out to take a piece of candy, but Scarlett blocked his hand. "Why throw out your arm? I'll feed it to you."

"I am not an infant." Severus muttered in irritation.

Scarlett frowned. This tactic had played out better in her imagination. "I am sorry. I did not intend to insult you."

"It does not matter." Severus bit into a gummy apple. It was delicious.

"This is a marvelous factory, isn't it?" Scarlett said, hoping Severus would forget what had just happened.

Severus nodded. "It is a truly fascinating place."

"It's like magic." Scarlett said.

"It's beyond magic." Severus corrected her.

Scarlett nodded in agreement, then her face turned into disgust as she looked across the river. "What on earth is that glutton doing?"

Severus turned and saw a most unpleasant sight. That boy, Augustus Gloop, was eating as if he was a garbage disposal. Shoving some sort of cream in his mouth, the boy then got on his knees and began shoving heaps of grass in his mouth.

"It appears that he has chosen a unique way to embrace Wonka," Severus said, "prehaps he believes he'll win that supposed prize."

"You don't believe the prize is real?" Scarlett asked in suprise.

"Prehaps it is. Prehaps it is not. Either way, I don't care."

Scarlett fell into deep thought, while Severus grabbed another apple. Dumbledore approached them. "Hello, Severus, Mrs. Beauregarde. Have you tried the toffee tree yet? It is most delicious."

That does sound nice, but after that" Severus pointed at Augustus, "I am in little mood for eating."

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose in shock as he observed Augustus animal-like behavior. "Goodness. I have never seen even Crabbe and Goyle eat with that much savage greed."

"Who are Crabbe and Goyle?" Scarlett asked.

"They are two students of mine at Hogwarts," Severus explained, "they are idiots, and I don't enjoy their company."

"Don't talk that way about your students, Severus." Dumbledore ordered in impatience.

Severus was about to counter Dumbledore, when he blinked, thinking he must have something wrong with his eyes. Severus could have sworn that he had just seen a very small person in a red jumpsuit across the river.


	5. Augustus Gloop Will Not Be Harmed

"What is that?" Severus asked in astonishment.

"What is what, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"Across the river! I saw a little person!"

"We all saw the glutton -"

"No, I mean an extremely short person in a red jumpsuit!"

Dumbledore and Scarlett looked at Severus in disbelief.

"Severus, precisely how much candy have you eaten?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Hardly any at all! I know what I saw!"

"Wait! I see them as well!" Scarlett pointed, "right over there!"

Dubledore followed Scarlett's finger. "My, my. Who are they?"

The three were not alone in this observation. "Hey, Daddy, look over there," Veruca cried in wonder, "it's a little person!"

Whereas Severus had kept his voice down, Veruca shouted to the whole factory. The contestants and their parents all raced over to see the odd people across the river, who seemed to be doing a form of construction work. Had they not been so curious, they would have noticed one was too busy eating from the river to have joined them.

Scarlett watched a second appear. "There's two of them."

"There's more than two." Mr. Teavee corrected. Indeed, as Severus looked around the room, there seemed to be dozens of them, possibly as many as one hundred of them.

"Where do they come from?" Mrs. Gloop asked.

"Who are they?" Dumbledore wondered.

"Are they real people?" Mike asked, a strong dose of skepticism in his voice.

"Well, of course they're real people," Wonka confirmed, "they're Oompa-Loompa's."

"Oompa-Loompa's?" Mr. Salt repeated. Severus shared the man's incredulous sentiment, but disliked his tone, which reminded Severus greatly of the narcissistic idiot Gilderoy Lockhart, whose existence Severus had been forced to tolerate not long ago..

"From Loompa Land." Wonka clarified. Or, at least, he seemed to think he was clarifying, but it seemed less sensible to Severus. There was without question no such place. Even the most ignorant people could tell that.

"There's no such place." Mike Teavee voiced.

""What?" Wonka seemed to be warning the man to silence.

"Mr. Wonka, I'm a teacher of high school geography," Mr. Teavee responded, and I'm here to tell you -"

"Well -" Wonka interrupted with a tone of finality, "then you know all about it, and what a terrible place it is."

Mr. Teavee gave a look of defeat and wordlessly pleaded Severus to challenge Wonka. Severus scoffed the man for his weak nature, which made Mr. Teavee wince yet again. Mr. Teavee then turned to Dumbledore, repeating his silent plea, but Dumbledore simply waved cordially.

Wonka began a long story about Loompa Land. Supposedly, the nation was a mere collection of thick barbarous jungles infested by beasts Severus had never heard of before. Wonka began boasting about an incident that seemed highly exaggerated, claiming he fought an army of whangdoodles, then disgusted Severus by saying he had eaten the creatures blood once he had killed them. The Oompa-Loompa's has been eating grotesque creatures for food, but held deep idolatry for cocoa beans. Wonka then apparently offered/bribed the cocoa beans in exchange for their employment at his factory.

"They are such wonderful workers," Wonka concluded, "I feel I must warn you, though, they are rather mischievous. Always making jokes."

"Augustus, my child, that is not a good thing to do!" Mrs. Gloop cried. The glutton was drinking out of the chocolate river. Severus decided he would not be eating Wonka's for several months after this. One could only imagine where the child's hands had journeyed.

"Hey, little boy," Wonka called, "my chocolate must be untouched by human hands."

Just at that moment, the boy reached out his head to far and tipped into the river.

Mrs. Gloop and Mr. Teavee gasped in shock, while Dumbledore gave an emphatic "Oh, dear," and the rest looked in silent horror-with two exceptions: Willy Wonka and Severus Snape. Wonka seemed uninterested in the affair, while Severus was pleased, muttering "Serves him right, the glutton." Severus did not believe the boy was in lethal danger, and was expecting the Oompa-Loompa's to pull him out somehow. Dumbledore shot Severus a look of disapproval, then returned his attention to the scene.

"He'll drown! He can't swim! Save him!" Mrs. Gloop cried. Dumbledore was about to cast a wordless anti-drowning charm, when he was distracted by a levitating pipe then appeared from nowhere. Wonka watched the pipe with wicked anticipation. The pipe's suction created a whirlpool that entrapped the child. "Augustus, watch out!" Mrs. Gloop cried in vain, for the boy keep spinning until he was sucked up the pipe.

"There he goes." Violet noted with a neutral tone.

"Call the fire brigade!" Mrs. Gloop was on the verge of a meltdown.

"It's a wonder how that pipe is big enough." Scarlett thought out loud. This comment lead Severus to compare the boy and the pipe. The size seemed about equal, with the pipe only a few inches wider. It was almost as if it had been made for the boy himself.

"It isn't big enough," Severus corrected, "he's slowing down." And, indeed, Augustus was starting to decrease speed rapidly. Severus wondered if the boy was in real danger after all.

"He's gonna stick." Mike predicted accurately. About nine-tenths of the way up the pipe, Augustus stood still.

"I think he has." Mr. Teavee said, to nobody's benefit.

"He's blocked the whole pipe." Mr. Salt pointed out._ As if we hadn't realized this,_ Severus snarled silently.

Wonka gave a dreamy look, as if he had just seen a beautiful woman instead of a factory accident involving a child.

Severus turned his head toward the Oompa-Loompa's, hoping to see them with emergency equipment. Instead, they seemed to be...dancing.

"Look, the Oompa-Loompa's." The crowd turned toward Severus, then followed his eyes.

"What are they doing?" Veruca asked.

A look of amusement entered Wonka's face, as the man looked at nobody, yet talked as though he were on camera. "Why, I believe they're going to treat us to a little song."

Dumbledore's eyes rose in outrage while Severus had never felt so astonished in his life. He had to have heard incorrectly.

"It is quite a special occasion of course," Wonka continued, "they haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon."

"What about Augustus?" Dumbledore asked angrily, but a series of musical noises silenced him. The Oompa-Loompa's were making odd noises.

_**Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop,**_

_**The great big, greedy nincompoop**_

_**Augustus Gloop, so big and vile,**_

_**So greedy, foul, and infantile,**_

Severus agreed wholeheartedly with the lyrics, but this was hardly the time for such a song. Dumbledore looked furious.

**_Come on, we cried! The time is ripe!_**

**_To send him shooting up the__ pipe!_**

**_But don't, dear children, be alarmed,_**

**_Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,_**

**_Augustus Gloop will not be harmed!_**

Severus gave a sigh of relief. Good, he wouldn't be harmed. The Oompa-Loompa's were diving into the chocolate river. Why were they waiting so long to free the boy from the pipe? He would run of oxygen. They then returned to the cliff and danced again.

_**Although, of course, we must admit,**_

_**He will be altered quite a bit,**_

_**Slowly, wheels go round and round,**_

_**And cogs began to grind and pound!**_

Severus lost any hope he had Wonka would have the boy free. The Oompa-Loompa's were celebrating! The boy would suffocate if he was in that pipe much longer. Severus stared at the pipe with great concentration. He would have to cast a silent spell, for the other contestants were muggles. Severus concentrated and thought_ "Reducto_"over and over again.

**_This greedy brute, this louses ear,_**

**_Is loved by people everywhere!_**

**_For who could hate, or bare a grudge,_**

**_Against a luscious bit__ of__-_**

Severus charm caused the pipe to open into two halves, causing Augustus to fall out. Severus whispered a Anti-Drowning Charm so Augustus wouldn't drown. Though the music for song was still playing, the Oompa-Loompa's quit dancing and singing, staring in wonder. Severus considered repairing the pipe, but thought that would look to suspicious.

Not a man easily surprised, Willy Wonka's jaw dropped. Not only had Augustus not gone up the pipe, his pipe had split into two even halves, with apparently no broken glass, and the boy fell from a two hundred foot height without drowning.

"My Augustus can't swim!" Mrs. Gloop cried.

Severus turned toward Wonka. The boy was safe, but the chocolate wizard didn't know that.

"Er, well, that is very odd." Wonka was hesitant. The boy had never been in danger, the pipe had been built solely for Augustus, and was to take him to a room where he would he would cleaned off the chocolate as best as he can be, though he had planned to joke it went to the fudge room. Now that the boy was free, he was in danger! What was he to do? Wonka didn't like the boy, but he didn't want him to die!

Mike was tired of Wonka's waiting, and grabbed a large lollipop and held it out for Augustus to reach. Augustus grabbed on, and Mike struggled to pull him out due to the boy's weight. Severus walked over to help Mike, and they pulled Augustus out of the river.

"Thank you." Augustus told Mike and Severus. He then walked over to Wonka, dripping chocolate everywhere. "I'm sorry, Mr. Wonka," Augustus cried, his tears pure chocolate, "I should have listened to your rules." Severus could help but feel empathetic.

"Well, that's fine. Apology accepted," Wonka shook the boy's hand, licked the chocolate off his glove, then turned to a Oompa-Loompa, "I want you to take the Gloop's to get the chocolate cleaned off."

The word "chocolate" made Augustus shiver. "I'll never eat candy again!" Augustus vowed, astonishing his mother.

"Well, that was quite a show," Wonka said awkwardly, "anyway, on with our tour."

"I must confess," Mr. Salt's piped up, "that song seemed rather rehearsed."

Wonka's eyes darkened.

"Like they _knew w_hat was going to happen." Mike said. Severus agreed.

"Poppycock."

"Mr. Wonka?" Severus asked.

"Yes?"

'Why would the boy's name have already been in the song? Unless -"

"Improvisation," Wonka interrupted, "is a parlor trick. Anyone can do it. You," he motioned toward Violet, "say something!"

"Chewing gum." Violet answered.

"Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See?" Wonka turned back to Severus, "exactly the same!"

"No it's not!" Mike argued.

"You really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word your saying."

Wonka gave his guests another awkward look. "Now, on with the tour."


	6. A Boat Ride To Nausea

Wonka lead his tourist toward the river, where a large purple boat that was shaped like a dragon emerged. The boat was rowed by several Oompa-Loompa's, all of whom had a look of pure misery that made Severus feel a pang of empathy. He could only imagine how awful it would be to deal with Wonka's delusions every single day. When they pulled the boat up to the edge, they began to have a fit of laughing.

"What's so funny?" Violet asked while chewing.

"I think it's from all those doggone cocoa beans," Wonka answered, "hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love."

Scarlett gazed at Severus. "You don't say."

Severus looked at the eatable grass on the floor, pretending nothing had just occurred.

"All aboard." Wonka said, visibly disturbed and embarrassed by Scarlett's comment, giving Severus a brief look of sympathy.

The Teavees and the Salt's shared a row, while Violet was saving a seat for her mother. Severus moved to sit in the back, so he could avoid contact with the other's, but Scarlett followed him and sat to his right. More surprisingly, Wonka choose to sit to the left of Severus. Dumbledore now had no choice but to sit next to Violet.

Wonka made a forward motion with his hand. "Onward."

A Oompa-Loompa in the very front of the boat pounded a drum Severus had not noticed before, and the boat started moving. It was a pleasant enough ride so far, the boat traveling at a gentle place.

"Here," Wonka unexpectedly took a large stiring spoon seemingly from nowhere and poured it into the river, collecting a generous amount of chocolate, then handed it to Severus, "try some of this. It'll do you good, you looked starved to death."

Severus was hesitant to drink the chocolate after Augustus possibly contaminated it. But it did look rather good... Severus took a sip of the chocolate. The liquid chocolate was the thickest, hottest and most delicious thing Severus had tasted in so many years. "It's great."

The chocolatier beamed at the praise. "Why thank you."

Severus decided it would be a friendly gesture to share the chocolate, so he offered the spoon to Scarlett. Scarlett was flattered, and her eyes rose in euphoria as she took a sip. "This is the most excellent chocolate I have ever had."

"That's because it's mixed by waterfall," Wonka alledged, then began repeating himself "The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate, churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world -"

"You already said that." Veruca pointed out.

Wonka froze. After an awkward moment, he went on the defensive. "Your all quite short, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah," Violet snapped, her voice irate to Severus, "we're children."

"Well, that's no excuse. I was never as short as you were."

"You were once." Mike insisted.

"Was not. Know why?" Wonka's voice sounded extremely childish, "because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short, little arms," Wonka taunted, "you could never reach."

Mike looked at Wonka with an incredulous expression. This was so ludicrous that it was be easy to debunk it, but everyone seemed to have given up on trying to get Wonka to accept any sanity whatsoever.

"Do you recall your childhood at all?" Severus asked.

"Oh, boy, do I," Wonka's upbeat face transformed into a look of questioning, "Do I?" The chocolatier stared into space.

"Mr. Wonka?" Severus said. Severus then snapped his fingers several times in front of Wonka's face. "Mr. Wonka?"

"I don't believe he can hear you." Dumbledore said.

"Why not? He's clearly awake!"

"Well, prehaps he is in deep thought." Veruca suggested. Severus shrugged.

"What exactly do you teach at that Hogwarts school?" Scarlett asked, attempting to make conversation.

"I teach multiple classes and multiple subjects," This was technically true, potions involved several forms of magic, "and yourself?"

"Huh? Oh, I work at the local gymnasium. I won a few awards in my youth, but nowhere near Violet's level."

Severus glanced at Wonka. No change.

"There is truly something wrong with this man." Severus muttered.

"He is very odd," Scarlett agreed, "yet he's quite brilliant. I don't know how he does it."

Severus looked up. Violet was speaking to Dumbledore, apparently boasting of all her accomplishments. The Headmaster seemed to enjoy her company, though Severus couldn't imagine why. Veruca was looking around then occasionally turning to her father, probably listing all the things in the factory she wanted.

"He seemed rather indifferent to Augustus going up the pipe," Scarlett whispered to Severus, casting a nervous glance to Wonka before continuing, "I think that boy was right. He knew it would happen."

So, Severus wasn't the only one with suspicions. Severus decided to share his own suspicion with her. "I think he not only planned it, but he was thrilled by it."

"Why would a man be thrilled by a child in danger?" Scarlett's eyes were now full of fear, looking at Wonka every few seconds as if expecting an attack.

Severus wondered the answer as well. Trapping himself in the factory clearly has effected Wonka's mental ability greatly. But enough to enjoy suffering of children? Granted, they were awful children, but still, there was a shade of sadism about it.

Severus looked up. There was an opening at the end of the river that seemed to lead to a dark tunnel. Severus had no idea where it went, but it looked like it was a potentially dangerous area.

"Mr Wonka?" Severus warned, "Mr. Wonka? We're heading for a tunnel."

"Oh, yeah," Wonka had finally awoke from his trance, "full speed ahead!"

"Full speed ahead?" Severus asked incredulously, "we're going in that thing?"

"Why, certainly."

The boat came close to the entrance of the tunnel.

"How can they see where they're going?" Violet asked.

"They can't," Wonka answered, "there's no knowing where they're going. Switch on the lights."

A series of lights emerged from the end of the boat, but Severus barely saw this before the boat sunk downward. Severus stomach felt infested with butterflies and he felt faint. No matter how many Dark Lord's he faced, Severus was never to overcome his childhood fear of heights, which he assumed was probably the fault of his father. Severus had enough strength to study the two people sitting next to him. Wonka clearly was enjoying the ride, while Scarlett clearly was not.

Eventually the river stopped traveling down and instead was moving straight. There were a series of round circular doors with neon signs over each one explaining what was in the room.

"People," Wonka called, "keep an eye out. We're passing some very important rooms."

Severus read the signs. _**Clotted Cream. Coffee Cream. Hair Cream**. _Hair Cream? That didn't involve candy.

Scarlett, still fearful of Wonka after Severus comment, nonetheless had the nerve to ask Wonka one question. "What do you use hair cream for?"

Wonka patted his eccentric hair. "Lock in moisture."

Scarlett seemed embarrassed that she spoke, and began staring at Severus again. Severus was watching a cow being whipped by four Oompa-Loompa's. "Whipped cream?"

"Precisely!" Wonka cried in cheer.

"That doesn't make sense." Veruca observed.

"Furthermore, that is rather abusive towards the poor thing," Dumbledore pointed out, "whipping it for cream!"

Veruca nodded in agreement. "Exactly. The poor thing must be in pain every day. Daddy, I want that cow so we can raise it properly."

"Well, who knew all my ticket winners were animal rights activists? In any case," Wonka pointed to a tunnel, "we're going further down."

The boat sunk further down and Severus feared he might vomit if forced to take any more of this. Finally, though, the literal downward spiral portion of the ride ended, and the boat moved smoothly on solid ground.

"Stop the boat," Wonka ordered, "I wanna show you guys something!"

The Oompa-Loompa's decreased the speed, parking next to a door that said_ **Inventing Room**_.


	7. Gum Is For Chewing

Severus felt relieved as he got out of that dreadful boat. What a waste of time that carnival attraction had been. Severus looked at Dumbledore's face, which was pure green. What was Wonka thinking letting a man Dumbledore's age ride that thing?

The odd door to the Invention Room opened. It looked more like a combination of a laboratory and an industrial waste center. Beakers and test tubes, probably filled with some sort of candy ingredients, where on several tables. There were a series of machines that Severus neither could describe or guess the function of. One machine had heavy amounts of smoke coming out of it, another looked like a lava lamp.

"Now, this is the most important room in the entire factory," Wonka announced. Severus could have sworn he said the same thing about the chocolate room. "Now, everyone enjoy yourselves, but just don't touch anything. 'Kay? Go on."

The children began running everywhere. Severus looked at Dumbledore. "Headmaster, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Dumbledore, "that boat ride just wasn't great for the nerves."

Severus noticed a series of candy eggs on one of the tables. Beneath them where a sign that said**_ Chocolate_ Birds.**

"Mr. Wonka," Severus called, "what are chocolate birds?"

"There birds made of chocolate," Wonka explained, "put the egg on your tounge, and it'll hatch."

Severus put the egg in his mouth, which to his great surprise, vanished. Opening his mouth to ask Wonka what happened to the egg, a delicate chocolate baby bird flew out of his mouth and began soaring across the inventing room. Severus was reminded immediately of chocolate frogs. Yet another think that Wonka created no other Muggle could have. How?

"How beautiful." Dumbledore said, admiring the bird as it soared throughout the room.

Wonka nodded. "They make great pets."

"Hey, Mr. Wonka, what's this?" Violet called.

Wonka eyes meet Violet's and he walked over to her. "Oh, let me show you."

Violet and Mike where standing in front of a pool where Oompa-Loompa's were swimming while moving a series of odd circular balls. A Oompa-Loompa gave Wonka one of these balls, which now looked like candy when Severus viewed it outside the water.

"These are Everlasting Gobstoppers," Wonka announced grandly, "there for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on them all year, and it'll never get any smaller."

"How do you know for sure they never get smaller?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, so far they haven't shrunk. A few more tests. Isn't that neet?"

"It's like gum." Violet said.

Wonka looked disgusted by this answer. "No. Gum is for chewing. If you tried chewing one of these Gobstoppers, you'd break all your little teeth off. They sure do taste terrific."

Violet shot a look at Scarlett, silently asking if she could ask Wonka for a Gobstopper. Scarlett gave a stern facial expression telling her to be silent.

Wonka walked a few tables down. "And this is Hair Toffee," Wonka picked up a small square candy that looked a great deal like toffee, "you suck down one of these little buggers, and in exactly half an hour, a brand-new crop of hair will grow out over the top of your little noggin. And a mustache. And a beard."

"Who wants a beard?" Mike asked.

Wonka pondered for a moment. "Well, beatniks for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. You know, all those hip, jazzy, super-cool neat, keen and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I'm laying down? I knew that you could," Wonka offered Mike his hand, "Slide me some skin, soul brother."

Severus had never cared much about culture, but he knew the bare minimum, which was enough to know Wonka's line were ridiculously dated. Severus hadn't heard people speak this way in many decades. Mike silently declined to "slide skin" for Wonka, who retreated his hand after an awkward moment, then brightened up as he turned to the greatest wizard of the age. "Dumbledore, you have a beard! I'm sure you like it just fine?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I never really thought much about it. I suppose so."

"Well, in any case, the mixture isn't quite right yet," Wonka warned, "we had a Oompa-Loompa try it the other day, and, well -"

A giant pile of hair began moving. It was a few moments before Severus realized this was the Oompa-Loompa Wonka spoke of.

"How are you today?" Wonka asked loudly, as if convinced excess hair meant the Oompa-Loompa was deaf.

The Oompa-Loompa gave two thumbs up, though Severus thought it was rather half-hearted.

"You look great." Wonka clearly did not actually believe this.

The Oompa-Loompa removed his thumbs and walked away with sad footsteps. Wonka ran over to a giant red lever. "Watch this!"

Wonka pulled the lever. Severus could not describe exactly what the machine was doing, but one of its metallic arms grew smaller and smaller. Severus realized that it would shrink until it served it's purpose. Finally, a bell rang and a stick of gum emerged.

"You mean that's it?" Mike asked in disappointment.

Wonka looked in distaste and spoke with sass. "Do you even know what 'it' is?"

"It's gum." Violet said, to nobody's benefit..

"Yeah. It's a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe," Wonka's expression was full of excitement. Severus didn't think the gum looked especially impressive. "Know why? know why? Because that gum is a full three-course dinner all by itself."

"Why would anybody want that?" Mr. Salt asked.

Wonka reached into his pocket and pulled out more of those ridiculous cue cards. "'It will be the end of all kitchens and all cooking,'" Wonka read, "'Just a little strip of Wonka's magic chewing gum is all you will,'" Wonka flipped to the next card, "'ever need at breakfast, lunch and dinner.'"

"That's a terrible idea," Severus said, "think of all the agricultural industries you'll smash. You'll bankrupt entire nations, throw billions in poverty, cause wars. And you'll have monopolized the global food industry."

"I agree with Mr. Snape," Mr. Salt said, "you'll cause great economic suffering from this invention."

Wonka decided to ignore these inconvenient fears, and continued reading from the cards. "'This piece of gum happens to be tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie.'"

"It sounds great," Dumbledore said, "though Severus points are valid."

"It sounds weird." Veruca said.

"Sounds like my kind of gum." Violet pulled out the piece of gum she had long been chewing and stuck it behind her ear.

"I'd rather you didn't," Wonka warned, "There are still some things that are -"

"I'm the world-record holder in chewing gum," Violet boasted fiercely, "I'm not afraid of anything."

Violet shoved the gum in her mouth.

"How is it, honey?" Scarlett asked sweetly.

"It's amazing!" Violet sounded in awe over the gum's power, "tomato soup! I can feel it running down my throat!"

"Yeah, spit it out."

Severus looked at Violet with caution. If Wonka, the man who had a song for Augustus demise, was afraid of this gum, it must be dangerous.

"Young lady," Dumbledore warned, "I think you better -"

"It's changing, Violet announced, "roast beef, with baked potato. Crispy skin and butter!"

Severus turned his head to Scarlett, hoping she would talk some sense into Violet. However, Scarlett was full of pride in her daughter, and apparently wasn't listening to Wonka's warnings.

"Keep chewing, kiddo," Scarlett turned toward a visibly envious Veruca, "_my_ little girl's gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing-gum meal."

_First, only and last,_ Severus thought darkly.

"Yeah," Wonka said anxiously, "I'm just concerned about the -"

"Blueberry pie and ice cream."

"That part."

"What's happening to her nose?" Veruca asked.

"It's turning blue." Mr. Salt observed in astonishment.

"Your whole nose had gone purple," Scarlett said.

Violer rubbed her nose. "What do you mean?"

"Violet, your turning Violet!" Scarlett turned to Wonka, "what's happening?"

"Well, I told you I hadn't got it quite right," Wonka said hesitantly, "it goes a little funny when it get's to the desert. It's the blueberry pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry." Wonka then ducked behind one of his machines.

Violet's skin had turned totally blue. "Mother, what's happening to me?" she asked in fear. The other contestants backed away from Violet. _Pathetic_, Severus thought, before realizing that he too had subconsciously backed away along with them. Violet's clothes were now turning purple as well.

"She's swelling up!" Dumbledore knew of no magic that could cause this, certainly a Muggle couldn't be able to make this happen.

"Like a blueberry." Severus calmly finished.

Violet swelled up to about thirty feet or so until she stopped.

Wonka sneaked up on Scarlett. "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa-Loompa's and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just so weird."

"But I can't have a blueberry for a daughter!" Scarlett snapped, "how is she supposed to compete?!"

Severus lost any respect he had for the woman in that instant.

"You can put her in a county fair." Veruca offered sardonically. Severus gave a small smile. That was a positively Slytherin thing to say.

The inventions at Wonka's began playing odd musical notes and a group of Oompa-Loompa's in bright black jumpsuits emerged from behind the machine that made all the smoke.

**Listen close, and listen hard, **

**To the tale of Violet Beauregarde, **

**This gentle girl, She sees no wrong,**

**In chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing,**

Another song and dance that sounded rehearsed? Severus looked around to see if anybody else was suspicious. Most were watching in curiosity, save Scarlett, who looked like she wanted to slaughter as many Oompa-Loompa's as she could get her hand's on.

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long.**

**Yeah!**

Severus watched Wonka do a strange arm-dance to the song. Meanwhile, four Oompa-Loompa's began rolling Violet, while three jumped of a fire escape and began dancing on her, performing disco poses.

**She goes on chewing till, at last, **

**Her chewing muscles grow so vast, **

**And from her face, Her giant chin, **

**Sticks out like a violin**

Clever. Far too clever to have been improvised.

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long.**

The style of music changed.

**For years and years she chews away, **

**Her jaws get stronger every day,**

**And with one great tremendous chew, **

**They bite the poor girl's tongue in two, **

**And that is why we try so hard, **

**To save Miss Violet Beauregarde**

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long, **

**Chewing, chewing all day long.**

The music began fading away, and the Oompa-Loompa's rolled Violet toward the door. Wonka was dancing (badly, in Severus opinion) to the song. Scarlett walked passed the contestants, having forgotten about Severus the first time all tour, and waked into Wonka's face with an expression of pure loathing. Wonka finally stopped dancing and turned to a Oompa-Loompa.

"I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde to the boat and take her along to the Juicing Room, okay?"

"The Juicing Room?" Scarlett repeated anxiously, "what are they gonna do to her there?"

Amusement filled Wonka's face. "They're gonna squeeze her. Like a little pimple," his facial expression turned slightly more serious, "we gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately."

Scarlett ran toward Violet and gave a large push, causing Violet to roll out the door. Severus was certain she would have a worse ride on the boat as a blueberry, especially given she seemed to big for the boat.

Wonka seemed unfazed by what just occurred. "Come on. Let's boogie!"


	8. Best Kind Of Prize

"Without the boat, we'll have to move double-time to keep on schedule. There's far too much to see." Wonka announced as he led the guests down the hallway, though Wonka took no effort to increase his pace.

"Mr. Wonka?" Severus decided he would give the chocolate schizophrenic a final chance to tell the truth.

"Yeah?"

"_Why _are you now letting others in the factory?"

"So they could see the factory."

Why did you wait so long? Why only five?"

Mike added a question of his own. "What's the special prize and who get's it?"

"The best kind of prize is a _sur_-prise." Wonka said with an odd laugh.

_I knew there was no prize_, Severus thought.

Veruca shoved Mike out-of-the-way and waltzed in front of Wonka. "Will Violet always be a blueberry?" she asked hopefully.

"No. Maybe. I don't know," Wonka finally admitted, "but that's what you get from chewing gum all day. It's disgusting."

"If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?" Mike asked.

"Once again, you shouldn't mumble. It's starting to bum me out."

"Can you remember the first candy that you ever ate?" Dumbledore asked.

"No." But despite this, Wonka's was staring into space with that demented look.

"Mr. Wonka?" Dumbledore asked gently. No response.

"Why does he keep doing this?" Severus asked. Severus then clapped his hands loudly in front of Wonka in an attempt to awaken him.

"That's not working." Mr. Salt said in a snobby tone.

"Indeed? I hadn't the faintest idea," Severus snarled, "you truly are an abyss of intellectual depth."

"There is no need for such hostility," Mr. Salt said, "I merely was making a observation in an effort to help, not offending you intellect, which no doubt is great."

"I apologize," Severus said half-heartedly. He turned to Wonka, who still stared at nothing.

"Wonka is crazy." Mr. Teavee said.

"He is rather odd." Mr. Salt agreed.

"He isn't _odd_," Mr. Teavee argued, "he's _insane_. At least, partially insane. If he weren't so good with candy, he'd be a danger to the public."

"He's a danger in his own factory," Salt responded, "look at the others."

"He seems to hate children," Dumbledore piped up, "look at how he laughed over the chocolate river."

"Those songs were definitely planned," Veruca agreed.

"Forget the songs," Mike said, "I think he planned_ everything._ He's probably going to try and get rid of all of us."

"I swear I saw him dance when the Oompa-Loompa's sang about Violet being a blueberry." Veruca recalled.

"The brats fates were their own actions," Severus pointed out. As much as he disliked many of Wonka's methods, the man could not receive total blame. "The stupid boy drunk that river and the foolish girl chewed that gum. If those children went to my school, I would expel them."

"I am the one with the power to expel students, Severus," Dumbledore pointed out, "besides, did I not here you tell Scarlett in the boat that you thought he was gleeful over the Augustus Gloop incident?"

"You couldn't have heard anything I said, you were to far away."

Dumbledore smiled. "I assure you, Severus, despite my extreme age my hearing is rather well."

"Well, maybe the person who isn't tempted get's the prize." Severus suggested. He didn't believe their actually was a prize, of course, but it was the only theory he could think up.

"But you said on television you don't believe the prize is real." Mr. Teavee countered with a smug smirk similar to those of his son.

Severus scoffed. "I said there may or may not be a prize and that it was a marketing technique. If you are going to use my words against me, actually use my words."

Mr. Teavee winced.

"I'm sorry, I was having a flashback." Wonka finally awoke from his mental slumber.

Everybody was know looking at Wonka as if he was totally insane.

"I see." Mr. Salt said, pulling Veruca a considerable distance away from Wonka.

"These flashbacks happen often?" Mr. Teavee asked.

"Increasingly... today." Wonka once again began leading them down the hallway.

"Oh, look at this!" Wonka cried as he turned to another hallway. Photographs of brightly colored fruits surrounded the wall. "Guess what it is?"

"It's wallpaper." Veruca answered.

"Yes and no. It's_ lickable_ wallpaper."

"Anybody can lick wallpaper if there foolish enough to do so." Severus argued.

"But this wallpaper has taste," Wonka explained,"lick an orange and it taste's like an orange. An apple tastes like an apple. And so on, and so on." Wonka's face brightened up. "Why don't _you_ try it?"

"It is not possible." Severus said firmly.

"Very well. You, the bearded one," Wonka motioned toward Dumbledore, "you try it!"

"Well, all right," Dumbledore slowly walked toward the wall and began licking a watermelon picture. "Oh my! This is excellent!"

"You can taste it?" Severus asked in astonishment.

Dumbledore nodded. "Try it yourself, Severus."

Severus walked up to a picture of a plum. Feeling like he was extremely foolish, Severus reluctantly licked the photograph. If the Gryffindors ever learned about this... he was surprised when he actually tasted plum. "It works." Severus breathed in shock. _No_ magic could do this. Certainly no Muggle could do this either.

Wonka nodded in approval. "Everybody dig in!"

The other four guests all lick the wallpaper. Even Mike had nothing bad to say about this invention, though he refused to praise it.

"Well, I hope you liked that," Wonka said, "anyway, let's go to the next room."

A large circular door had the words** _Nut Sorting__ Room._**


	9. Veruca's New Found Friends

"This is a room I know all about," Mr. Salt announced, pulling out a business card, "For you see, Mr. Wonka, I myself am in the nut business."

Wonka accepted the card, but threw it into the air behind him when Salt turned away briefly.

"Are you using the Havermax 4000 to do you sorting?" Mr. Salt asked.

"No," Wonka said, then gave an odd laugh, "you're really weird."

Mr. Salt seemed confused by Wonka's antics, but nobody was shocked by this point. They were starting to get into a pattern: impressive candy miracles, nutty chocolatier. Wonka opened the door to the nut room. The room was decorated with an odd mixture of blue and white psychedelic swirls. Behind a small white gate, a lengthy blue staircase lead to a lower level where some rodents were throwing nuts into a massive black hole in the middle of the floor.

"Squirrels!" Veruca cried in excitement.

"Yeah, squirrels," Wonka responded, "the squirrels are specially trained to get the nuts out of shells."

Severus got a closer look and observed the squirrels biting into walnuts, which came from a large hole on the roof, landing through a series of tubes that brought them to the squirrels, who opened them, sending the good nuts through a small chute.

"Why use squirrels?" Mr. Salt asked, "why not use Oompa-Loompa's?"

"Because only squirrels can get the whole walnut out almost every single time," Wonka claimed, "see how they tap them with their knuckles to make sure it's not bad? Oh, look, look" Wonka began pointing to one of the squirrels. The squirrel began feeling the nut against it's head.

"I think that one's got a bad nut." Wonka announced.

Apparently it was a bad nut. Rather than through it into the small white chute, the squirrel threw the nut into that massive hole in the middle of the floor.

"Daddy, I want a squirrel!" Veruca cried, "get me one of those squirrels. I want one."

"Veruca, dear, you have many marvelous pets." Mr. Salt noted.

"All I've got at home," Veruca complained, "is one pony, and two dogs, and four cats, and six bunny rabbits..."

The excess disgusted Severus, who turned away to watch more nut sorting rather than hear anymore of this. Yet the sorting seemed to have halted. No nuts were coming out of tubes. Severus was about to ask Wonka why, when he noticed a gleam in the eyes of the squirrels, as if they were planning something.

"...and a silly old hamster," Veruca finished, "I want a squirrel!"

"All right, pet," Mr. Salt said weakly, "Daddy will get you a squirrel as soon as he possibly can."

"But I don't want any old squirrel," Veruca said, "I want a trained squirrel."

"Very well," Mr. Salt said, "Mr. Wonka, how much do you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price."

"Oh, they're not for sale," Wonka said, "she can't have one!"

Veruca's face darkened, as she turned to her father. "Daddy!" she said fiercely.

"I'm sorry, darling," Severus would have assumed this was being said by Mr. Salt if it weren't for the fact he was watching Wonka's lips move, "Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable."

The accuracy of the impersonation was uncanny.

"If you won't get me a squirrel, I'll get one myself." Veruca vowed. Veruca forced herself through the bars of the gate and walked down the staircase.

"Veruca, come back here at once!" Mr. Salt demanded to no avail.

Veruca walked towards a squirrel at the far right of the room.

"Little girl!" Wonka called, "don't touch that's squirrel's nuts! It'll make him crazy!"

Veruca ignored Wonka and stared at the squirrel for a long moment, before reaching out her arms. "I'll have you.

Every squirrel in the factory stopped whatever they were doing and began to attack Veruca. Veruca ran backwards in fear, but the squirrels were enclosing on her.

"Veruca!" Mr. Salt cried, banging on the gate's door. Wonka picked up his key holder, which had at least forty keys on them.

The squirrels jumped on Veruca, causing her to topple over.

"Let's find the key," Wonka suggested, trying one of the key's on the key holder. It wouldn't enter the lock. "Nope, not that one."

"Daddy!" Veruca cried.

Wonka tried the second key, then brightly announced with a smile "No, not that one either."

Every squirrel was now grabbing on to Veruca.

"There it is!" Wonka cried as he attempted to use a third key. The door wouldn't open. "There it isn't."

"Daddy, I want them to stop!" Veruca cried. The squirrel that Veruca tried to take as her own began inspecting Veruca's head.

"What are they doing?" Dumbledore asked in concern.

"Their testing to see if she's a bad nut." Wonka explained, "oh, my goodness. She is a bad nut after all."

The squirrels began dragging her toward that large hole in the middle of the floor.

"Where are they taking her?" Mr. Salt asked in panic.

"Where all the other bad nuts go," Wonka answered, as if Mr. Salt was asking what the weather was like today, "to the garbage chute."

"Where does the chute go?"

"To the incinerator," Wonka had a dark gleam in his eye, "but don't worry, we only light it on Tuesday."

"Today_ is_ Tuesday." Mike Teavee said.

"Well," Wonka said nervously, "there's always the chance they decided not to light it today!"

Pure panic filled Mr. Salt's face. Veruca tried to grab hold of something, but there was nothing to grab. The squirrels pushed her down the chute. Veruca's screams began to slowly fade away.

"Now, she may be stuck in the chute," Wonka claimed calmly, "just below the top. If that's the case, all you have to do is just reach in and pull her out."

"That's not possible," Severus insisted, "look at the size of the chute. All of us could probably be thrown down it at the same time."

Wonka ignored Severus and opened the gate. Severus suspected that he had known where the key was all along. Mr. Salt cautiously walked down the staircase. Had Severus been looking toward Wonka, he would have noticed a look of dark waiting on the chocolatier's face.

Oompa-Loompa's appeared from small openings he had not noticed earlier while soft music was playing from seemingly nowhere. Severus was certain they could have spared the girl if they had wanted too. The squirrels did not seem to mind them. The Oompa-Loompa's frolicked in glee.

**Veruca Salt, the little brute,**

**has just gone down the garbage chute**

**Where she will meet, as she descends,**

**A rather different set of friends**

The already upbeat music was noticeably brighter. Severus felt sick. Veruca Salt was probably the worst brat in the factory tour, yet this sort of celebration was reminiscent to the actions of Dark wizards.

**A fish head, for example, cut**

**This morning from a halibut.**

One of the Oompa-Loompa's carried a giant rotten fish and threw it down the chute. An astonished Severus turned his head toward Wonka, who was merrily nodding to the music as if nothing bad was happening.

**A steak that no one else would chew,**

The steak had a stench that was so rotten Severus and the other contestants could smell it from up the staircase, until it was thrown down the chute. This was just out-right taunting, the sort of celebration Dark wizards had.

**And lots of other things as well,**

**Each with a rather horrid smell.**

**Horrid smells.**

The Oompa-Loompa's sardonically covered their noses and did an odd dance.

**These are Veruca's new found friends**

**That she will meet as she descends,**

**These are Veruca's new found friends**

The Oompa-Loompa's raised their arms in glee. Mr. Salt had finally reached the bottom of a staircase. The Oompa-Loompa's tauntingly motioned for Salt to come forward. Severus heart was sprinting. Despite his irritation at the man's elitist narcissism, Severus was hoping that Salt would not repeat Veruca's fall. He wanted to do something, but the risk to the Statue of Secrecy was to grave.

"I suggest you return here at once, Mr. Salt!" Dumbledore pleaded. Mr. Salt was too panicked over his daughter to notice anything around him, and did not hear Dumbledore.

The Oompa-Loompa's pointed at Salt in an accusatory fashion.

**Who went and spoiled her?**

**Who indeed?**

**Who handed to her every need?**

**Who turned her into such a brat?**

**Who are the culprits? Who did that?**

Salt was now right in front of the chute.

**The guilty ones, now this is sad**

A portrait of a middle-aged woman was thrown down the chute.

**Dear Old Mum and Loving Dad**

One of the squirrels lightly jumped on Salt, who in his shock made a forward move that lead him to topple down the chute. Wonka feigned a gasp of shock, but the amusement on his face was clear. Severus did not know this, too busy staring at the chute in horror. Two people had just been burnt to death.

"Really?" Severus heard Wonka say. Turning around, Severus saw Wonka talking to a Oompa-Loompa, "oh, good! I've just been informed the incinerator's broken so there should be about three weeks rotten garbage."

Severus wondered if Wonka had already known that but was putting on a show.

"Well, that's good news." Mr. Teavee dead-panned.

"Yeah." Wonka agreed, "well, let's keep on truckin.'"

Severus had no idea what to expect next. However, he was certain that if there really was a special prize, he was probably on the verge of winning it.


	10. Candy: A Waste Of Time?

Wonka clicked the down button to access an elevator. "I don't know why I didn't think of this before," Wonka said as the doors opened, "the elevator is by far the most efficient way to get around the factory."

Severus walked into the elevator. There were hundreds, possibly thousands, of buttons! Not even the Ministry building's elevators had this many buttons.

"There can't be this many floors." Mike Teavee pointed out.

"How do you know, Mr. Smarty-Pants?" Wonka asked, "this isn't just an ordinary up-and-down elevator, by the way. This elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways and any other ways you can think of! You just press any button and, whoosh, you're off!"

Wonka demonstrated by clicking a button. The elevator made a hard turn to the right, traveling much faster than the boat on the chocolate river. The elevator sank downward, then sprinted to the left. Severus felt fairly nervous about an elevator made of mere glass. Oddly enough, Dumbledore, despite haven felt sick on the boat, seemed to enjoy the elevator. Prehaps the old man suffered from sea sickness.

"Oh, look, look," Wonka cried as the elevator entered what looked like a giant snowball, "welcome to Fudge Mountain!"

Severus thought that Fudge Mountain was the most impressive thing on the tour so far. It was literally a mountain, though apparently made of fudge. Oompa-Loompa's were climbing the mountain, waving to Wonka, who returned the gesture. Severus wanted to tell Wonka the mountain was the best thing he had ever seen, but he was at a loss for words.

They exited the snowball and Severus watched Oompa-Loompa shave the wool of pink sheep. "Oh," Wonka cried in cheer, then his face fell in an awkward expression, "I'd rather not talk about this one."

Severus stomach sank and he tried not to imagine exactly what the wool was used for. Severus got the opportunity to change his thoughts when they entered what reminded Severus of Hogwarts hospital wing. "This is the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center," Wonka explained, "it's relatively new, though we've expanded to include non-puppets."

And, sure enough, Violet Beauregarde and Augustus Gloop were in two beds at the end. The Salt's were not there. Severus assumed that they were buried under heaps of trash and the Oompa-Loompa's hadn't found them yet.

Violet was no longer full of juice, though she was still blue. Violet was performing contortionist acts. For some reason she was now extremely flexible, which she seemed happy about. Scarlett was in a chair by Violet's bed, and caught a glimpse at the elevator. Scarlett gave Wonka a look of pure loathing that Severus had seen matched only by Voldemort himself.

Augustus, on the other hand, was not having a good time. A couple of Oompa-Loompa's were tauntingly waving a Wonka bar in his face, causing the boy to scream in pure terror. Augustus mother was scolding the Oompa-Loompa's. Wonka frowned at the sight of his candy being used for hateful purposes.

The elevator left the hospital, then paused in mid-air, causing Severus and the other tourists to hit their faces against the elevator. The elevator sank downward yet again. "The administration offices," Wonka explained, and the elevator paused and Wonka waved to one of the workers, "Hello, Doris!"

Severus thought the fashion resemblance between Doris and Dolores Umbridge was unprecedented. Doris necklace, dress and shoes looked like they had come from Umbridge's closet. Even the hair was similar, though Doris lacked toad-like facial qualities.

Doris waved in return, and Severus face was smacked against glass as the elevator moved again. They now passed a series of cannons shooting cannon ball size pepermints, which were missing the elevator by about three inches. It was as if the Weasley twins had been appointed to run the Auror force.

"Why is everything here completely pointless?" Mike Teavee asked.

Severus disagreed. While Wonka himself was rather...well... Severus didn't find most of the factory pointless. "It isn't pointless." Severus argued.

"Of course it is!" Mike Teavee said, "Candy is a waste of time!"

Wonka gave a look of terror before slipping into yet another flashback.

"Mr. Wonka? Mr. Wonka?" Severus snapped his fingers in front of Wonka, but the man didn't respond.

"Well, I hope your happy with your actions," Severus sneered, "you just cause the only man who can save us from these cannons to lose consciousness!"

"It's not my fault he does this!" Mike insisted, though despite his defiant voice, there was a shade of guilt on his face.

"Why do you think that candy is a waste of time?" Severus asked.

"It doesn't produce anything!" Mike argued, "it's unproductive! It ruins teeth! It has no real purpose!"

"Contrast to the deep philosophical miracles of electronic gaming." Severus responded sardonically. Dumbledore gave a hearty chuckle at the comment.

Mike opened his mouth to refute Severus, but nothing came out of his mouth, as if he sensed that Severus was not a man who lost debates easily. Instead, Mike began scanning the lists of rooms.

Mike turned to Wonka. "I wanna pick a room." It was not a question, it was an order.

Wonka gave a disturbing smile. "Go ahead."

Mike clicked on a button that said**_ Television_ Room**. Severus had a feeling that he and Dumbledore would be alone with Wonka very soon.


	11. He Cannot Think! He Only Sees!

White. That was literally the only way Severus could describe the Television Room even to himself. There wasn't much to add to that, in any case. A few Oompa-Loompa's were monitoring a few white machines, but Severus couldn't thing of the names for them.

"Here," Wonka said as he exited the elevator, "put these on quick, and don't take them off whatever you do."

Severus, Dumbledore and the Teavee's reluctantly put on the ridiculous-looking glasses.

"This light could burn your eyeballs right out of your skulls," Wonka claimed, "and we certainly wouldn't want that, now, do we?" Wonka waited for a moment, as if to see if somebody would take off the glasses. Severus was not that foolish, and, apparently, neither was Mike.

Wonka began walking toward the Oompa-Loompa's. "This is the testing room for my very latest and greatest invention," he announced boldly, "Television Chocolate. One day it occurred to me: 'Hey, if television can break up a photograph, into millions and millions of tiny pieces and send it whizzing through the air, then reassemble it on the other end, why can't I do the same thing with chocolate?"

Severus glanced at the machines. Now that he took a closer look, he could see a massive, white camera being held from the ceiling. And a few feet away, a Oompa-Loompa was watching a white television set.

"Why can't I?" Wonka continued, "send a real bar of chocolate through the television, ready to be eaten?"

"Sounds impossible." Mr. Teavee offered. Severus agreed in principle, but after all he had seen today, he assumed Wonka probably had learned how to send chocolate through television.

"It is impossible," Mike agreed. Mike's tone became hostile as he addressed Wonka, "you don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. Duh!"

Severus was certain that the boy insulting Wonka was not increasing his chance of making it out of this room unharmed. Severus was also quite certain that Wonka had developed a personal grudge against the foolish boy over the elevator incident. Still, Severus had to admit to himself that Mike was smarter than the other three contestants, and even a bit kinder. Prehaps nothing would go wrong.

"Second," Mike continued, "the amount of power that it would take to convert energy in matter, would be nine atomic bombs!"

"MUMBLER!" Wonka yelled, making Severus jump. "Seriously," Wonka continued in a quieter tone, "I cannot understand a single word you're saying."

"Prehaps," Severus said quickly, hoping to avoid further hostility between Mike and Wonka, "we should actually observe the device."

"I concur," Dumbledore agreed, realizing what Severus was doing, "please show us, Mr. Wonka."

Wonka shrugged. "Okey-dokey. I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room," Wonka motioned toward a bright circle in the middle of the floor, "to the other," he now motioned toward the television set the Oompa-Loompa was watching, "by television!"

Six Oompa-Loompa's carried a chocolate bar that had to be at least thirty feet long, and laid it in front of the video camera.

"It's got to be real big," Wonka explained, "because you know how on TV, you can film a regular-size man, and he comes out looking this tall?" he demonstrated with his fingers, "same basic principle."

Wonka pressed a red button on the side of the wall that somehow made the chocolate bar defy gravity. It soared into a glass tube, and then a flash of light emerged from the camera and surrounded the tube. The chocolate bar had vanished.

"It's gone." Dumbledore breathed. How could a man with no magical powers do these things?

"Told you," Wonka said, though despite facing Dumbledore, his comment seemed more aimed toward Mike Teavee, "that bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air, above our heads, in a million tiny little pieces."

Wonka began running over toward the television set. "Watch the screen!"

Severus looked at the screen. It seemed to be a third-rate documentary about the desert, and there was no chocolate.

"Here it comes," Wonka said, "oh, look!"

And sure enough, a Wonka bar was in the middle of the screen.

Wonka gently tapped Mike. "Take it!"

"It's just a picture on a screen." Mike insisted with a smug expression.

"Scaredy cat," Wonka taunted, then turned to Severus, "you take it!"

"How?" Severus reluctantly asked, "it's a glass screen."

"Just reach out and grab it."

Severus extended his hand slowly. What if something happened to him like with the others? Still, they had violated Wonka's rules, and Wonka was encouraging Severus to do this. Unless, of course, Wonka simply hated Severus. But Wonka didn't seem to hate Severus. Severus touched what he expected to be the screen, but his hand entered the television set. Severus grabbed the chocolate bar.

"Merlin's beard." Dumbledore whispered. Even he couldn't have made this possible, how could a muggle like Wonka?

"Eat it," Wonka encouraged. Severus merely stared at the bar with a frown. Was this really chocolate?

"It'll be delicious," Wonka promised, "it's the same bar. It's just gotten a little smaller on the journey, that's all."

Severus unwrapped the bar and took a miniscule bite to see if it was really chocolate. It was chocolate-delicious chocolate, no less. "It's great." Severus muttered.

"It's a miracle." Dumbledore's tone was full of admiration.

"So, imagine," Wonka said, "your sitting at home watching television, and suddenly a commercial will flash on screen saying 'Wonka's chocolate's are the best in the world. If you don't believe us, try one yourself.' And you simply reached out," he motioned the act of reaching out, "and take it! How about that?"

"Mr. Wonka, can you send other things?" Mr. Teavee asked, "say, like breakfast cereal?"

"Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal is made of?" Wonka challenged, "it's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners."

Severus was going to prove this was false, but he wound up asking another question instead. "But could you send it by television if you wanted to?"

"Course I could." Wonka said.

"What about people?" Mike asked curiously.

"Why would I want to send a person?" Wonka asked, "they don't taste very good."

Severus didn't know whether to be stunned to this seeming ignorance, or relieved that the chocolate room cannibalism comment was a misunderstanding.

"Don't you realize what you've invented?!" Mike snarled in outrage, "it's a teleporter! It's the most important invention in the history of the world! And all you think about is chocolate." Mike added in a tone of disgust. Severus agreed with the child, but was certain the best thing would be if he calmed down.

"Calm down, Mike," Mr. Teavee said wearily, "I think Mr. Wonka knows what he's talking about!"

"No he doesn't! He has no idea!" Mike insisted, "you think that he's a genius, but he's an idiot! But I'm not!"

Mike began running towards the machine.

"Stop him or he'll join the others!" Severus hissed at Mr. Teavee.

"Mike, do you want to end up lie the others?" Mr. Teavee asked.

Mike ceased to run and had an unfathomable expression on his face. He seemed to be pondering over whether or not he should listen to his father.

"A garbage chute," Severus said, "a blueberry, a chocolate river, and a shrunken boy."

Mike took a few steps away from the machine. He seemed unsure what to do.

"Good, little boy," Wonka said, "you wouldn't know how to work it, anyway!"

Mike ran toward the machine in rage and clicked the red button. Mike began to defy gravity and entered the glass tube.

"Why did you say that?" Severus asked Wonka.

Amusement filled Wonka's face. "I had no idea he would take it so personally."

In any case, Mike seemed to be enjoying zero gravity, performing a series of disco poses. It was the first time that Severus had seen the boy happy since the lickable wallpaper outside the nut sorting room.

The light from the camera surrounded the glass tube, and Mike Teavee was gone.

"He's gone." Mr. Teavee sounded out of breath. Severus sympathized with him for the first time all tour.

"Let's go check the television and see what we get," Wonka suggested brightly. They watched the screen, which was the same as it had been before, except that the chocolate bar Severus had taken was, of course, no longer there. "Sure hope no part of him get's left behind"

"What do you mean?" Panic filled Mr. Teavee's voice.

"Well, sometime only half the little pieces find their way through," Wonka explained, "if you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Mr. Teavee snapped.

Wonka appeared offended. "No need to snap. It's just a question." Wonka turned his attention to the Oompa-Loompa with a remote control for the television, "Try every channel," Wonka ordered, "I'm starting to feel a little anxious," he added without a single trace of anxiety in his tone.

The Oompa-Loompa, visibly bored, began clicking buttons on the remote control. Music started playing from nowhere.

"There he is!" Severus called as Mike appeared on the television set, haven clearly shrunk in the process.

"Mike?" Mr. Teavee squeaked. The Oompa-Loompa news anchor started singing.

**_The most important thing_**

**___That we've ever learned_**

**_____The______ most important thing we've learned,  
__As far as children are concerned_**

The channel was changed yet again. Two Oompa-Loompa's were playing with those colorful muggle robot toys Severus recognized but could not recall the name of.

**_______Is never, never let them near  
__A television set_**

**_________Or better still just don't install,  
__The idiotic thing at all_**

The television turned to a black-and white image of a pair of feet entering a shower. Mike was on the floor of the shower, and looked up. The camera shifted to the water being turned on, before the channel was turned yet again. Now a metal band made of four Oompa-Loompa's appeared on the screen, the boy no longer on screen. Had Severus turned his face from the screen, he would have seen the other Oompa-Loompa's in the room dancing to the music.

**___________It rots the senses in the head_**

**_____________It kills imagination dead_**

**_______________It clogs and clutters up the mind,_**

Mike Teavee was now visible again, standing on a musical keyboard.

**_______________It makes a child so dull and blind_**

**_________________He can no longer understand,  
__A fairytale in fairyland_**

**___________________His brain becomes as soft as cheese_**

The Oompa-Loompa keyboard player slid his hands across the keys, sending Mike flying through the air. The scene now shifted to the guitar player.

**_____________________His thinking powers rust and freeze_**

The band's singer was briefly on-screen before it shifted to the band's drummer.

**_______________________He cannot think_**

Mike was hanging onto a cymbal. The Oompa-Loompa drummer was holding a pair of drumsticks, preparing to hit the cybal.

**_________________________He only sees_**

The drumsticks hit the cymbal, and Mike Teavee flew in the air along. The drummer tossed the drumsticks in the air for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, the scene began slowing dow, as if everything was now in slow motion. Suddenly the scene changed to a purple-and-yellow sky, while Mike was now sinking downward.

**___________________________Regarding little Mike Teavee_**

The Oompa-Loompa band had radically changed it's style. The few childhood memories Severus hadn't been able to block out told him they were impersonating the Beatles.

**_____________________________We very much regret that we_**

Hearing a noise behind him, Severus turned away from the television set for the first time since the song had began. The Oompa-Loompa's had dimmed the lights of the Television Room, and were holding a sarcastic candlelight vigil to the song.

**_______________________________Shall simply have to wait and see_**

The Oompa-Loompa metal band was back, the guitarist attempting to smash his instrument against Mike Teavee, but the station was changed again. It was that black-and-white shower again, except this time a Oompa-Loompa was attacking Mike with a knife. Mike was frantically running away from the knife.

**_________________________________We very much regret that we,_**

It was back to that muggle robot toy again. The red robot hit Mike in the face.

**Shall_________________________________ simply have to wait and see,  
__If we can get him back his height_**

The robot hit Mike much harder this time, sending him flying in the air again. The channel was changed yet again to the cooking show, where Mike had landed in a frying pan.

**___________________________________But if we can't_**

The Oompa-Loompa chef tossed the pan sideways, causing the boy to soar yet again.

**_____________________________________It serves him right._**

The Oompa-Loompa news anchor made a final appearance, smashing his bulletin file on Mike.

"Ew, somebody grab him!" Wonka said in disgust.

Severus wondered why Wonka hadn't done that earlier. Come to think of it, why hadn't Severus himself pulled the boy out earlier? He must have been shocked by the musical performance.

"Help me!" Mike squeaked. Mr. Teavee reached in and pulled out as son, who Severus estimated as being about four inches tall.

"Thank heaven's," Wonka said, "he's completely unharmed!"

"_Unharmed?_ What are you talking about?" Mr. Teavee asked angrily.

"Just put me back in the other way!" Mike begged.

"There is no other way," Wonka revealed, "it's television, not telephone. There's quite a difference."

"And what exactly do you propose to do about it?" Mr. Teavee asked darkly. Severus was thrilled the man finally had installed a spine.

"I don't know," Wonka admitted, "but young men are extremely springy. They stretch like mad," Wonka gave a large gasp, "let's go put him in the taffy puller!"

"Taffy puller?" Mr. Teavee repeated in outrage.

Wonka frowned. "Hey, that was my idea. Boy, is he gonna be skinny."

"Is that really a wise idea?" Dumbledore asked.

"Of course," Wonka turned to the Oompa-Loompa who had been flipping channels, "I want you to take Mr. Teavee and his...little boy, up to the taffy puller, okay? Stretch him out!"

The Oompa-Loompa escorted Mr. Teavee, who was holding a visibly frightened Mike. Severus felt a chill creep down his spine. Though his role as a spy for Dumbledore had led Severus to be subjected to more Unforgivable Curses than most wizards could count, he was certain that the taffy puller would be even worse than any spell.

Wonka once again seemed indifferent to everything that had just occurred. "On with the tour!" Wonka began walking toward the glass elevator, and Severus and Dumbledore followed. Neither could have imagined the shifts their lives were about to take.


	12. Smash Into A Million Pieces

"There's still so much left to see!" Wonka said as the lights to the Television Room were dimmed. Wonka pulled off the ridiculous goggles and faced Dumbledore and Severus. "Now, how many ticket winners are left?"

Dumbledore and Severus shared a glance at each other. What was Wonka doing now?

Dumbledore decided to state the obvious. "Mr. Wonka, only Severus remains."

A look of shock entered Wonka's face. "You mean, you're the only one?"

"Yes." Severus said.

"What happened to the others?" Wonka asked curiously.

"Well," Severus deadpanned, "I have certain vague ideas of what _might_ have happened."

A euphoric smile entered on Wonka's face. "Oh, my good man, but that means you've won!" Wonka energetically shook Severus hand, "oh, I do congratulate you! I really do! I'm absolutely delighted!"

Severus felt overwhelmed. "There really_ is_ a special prize?"

"Yes, and it's all yours!" Wonka confirmed, still shaking Severus hand, "I had a hunch right from the beginning that it would be you. Well done. Now we mustn't dilly or dally! We have an enormous number of things to do before the day's out!"

Just as Severus thought his hand might fall off, Wonka withdrew his hand. "But luckily for us," Wonka continued, "we have the great glass elevator to speed things along -" Wonka ran into the elevator doors and fell to the floor.

"Mr. Wonka?" Dumbledore called.

Wonka lifted himself back up. "Speed things along." Wonka clicked the button to access the elevator, and the doors opened to a ring. Severus and Dumbledore followed Wonka into the elevator. Wonka threw his goggles into a small compartment in the elevator, and Severus and Dumbledore followed suit. Wonka then clicked the button that said**_ Up and_ _Out_.**

"_Up and Out_?" Severus read, "what kind of room is that?"

Wonka gave a knowing look. "Hold on!"

The flying glass elevator sailed upward at a speed much faster than when they had last rose it.

"Oh, my goodness," Wonka said after the elevator passed what Severus estimated as being at least thirty stories, "we're gonna need to go much faster, otherwise we'll just never break through."

"Break through what?" Severus dared to ask.

Euphoria reentered Wonka's face. "I've been longing to press that button for years!"

A master at solving puzzles, Dumbledore pieced together what was going on. "Severus, he intends to fly the elevator out of the factory roof!"

Severus was speechless. All he could manage out was "_What_?"

Dumbledore looked at Wonka. "You really mean -"

Wonka nodded. "Yeah, I do!"

For some reason, Dumbledore's eyebrows rose in realization, as if the Headmaster had just concluded something. It was that look Severus hated, because Dumbledore only gave it when he intended to keep vital information from everybody else!

"It's made of glass!" Severus barked, "the faster you go, the more likely it'll smash into a million pieces!"

Wonka just gave a psychotic laugh. Severus was inwardly panicking, but for some reason, Dumbledore seemed unfazed by their doom.

Having no choice, Severus pulled out his wand. "IMMOBILIS!" A flash of light emerged from Severus, and the flying glass elevator came to a halt.

Severus caught a glance at Wonka. The chocolatier had a look of triumph on his face. "Decent spellwork, Severus. Hogwarts, I assume?"

Severus nearly dropped his wand.

"I had suspicion's when you brought the infamous Albus Dumbledore. They increased after the chocolate room," Wonka explained, "this was a little test. And you definitely are a wizard."

And Severus Snape's life was never the same again.


End file.
